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TG Newsletter: NO BALLS BASH

No Balls Bash

…also known by some arbitrary rudimentary lame name that slips my mind right now.

(10 - 12 June 2022)

Woman was God’s second mistake.

*Friedrich Nietzsche*

There is a renowned lady rider here in South Africa who can put most men to shame on two wheels.

She goes by the name Rieks, and if you want to see who puts the bra in bravery, look up Rika de Bruyn.

We journeyed Eastwards via the long boring highway. We were neither men, nor wise… but we carried gifts of goldtequila, fragrancense and musselhs.

We did eventually connect a little dotted line on the GPS cutting out a huge chunk of asphalt.

Sometimes getting lost and then persisting on that lost route does not get you less lost.

The last gate might have been locked, but at least none of the dogs bit, nor did any of the farmers aim their rifles in our direction.

Clivia pass, oh Clivia pass. Where would my soul be if I didn’t take Clivia pass?

Probably drowning in urine - a ballerina needs to pee too!

Everyone met up at Alkmaar Farmstay, a lodge just outside Nelspruit, and spent the first night getting to know all the other riders, most of whom we already ‘know’ from social media…

But social media does not have a sound bar and you never really find out how high pitched they laugh, how loud they snore, how foul their language is, or how neat their drinks are poured.

It was great to finally put a lipstick colour to each name.

Lipstick, coffee, lipstick, yogurt, lipstick, sunnysideup, lipstick, helmets…


Rieks took us through the plantations, over a few small puddle-crossings, magnificent views, lots of giggles and even more jiggles.

A few quick stops for boud vis, tequila top ups, powdered noses, pillow fights and mud wrestles.

No crowns were harmed during the making of this video.

Men are from Earth; women are from Earth.

Deal with it.

*George Carlin*

There was a hipflask tasting experience just outside Sabie.

Roschalle was advising all the patrons on the chocolate pairing. José seems to work well with Bar One.

Then off to the Sabie Valley Rider Academy, where Thomas and Jaqui spoiled us with cocktails, fruity-sticks and balloons! How to make a girl happy…

Maybe it was the drizzle on the liver but for the two Tank Girls the route got better and betterder.

Last stop was at Yoons in White River for a late lunch. Great music, olives and gin!

The sun started hanging to the left…

Instead of handing out awards (lame), we each got a straf-dop (game).

For riding too well, for riding too vrot, for crashing into your best friend, for crashing period(s).

No one was spared a penalty shot of Elsebie’s Evil Sambuca! Urghhh!!!

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

*Rebecca West*

The next day Annemien and Laurika conspired to guide us home via the old Poeskots route!

*Find the mistake and win a packet of Lil-Lets*

Back in the late 1800’s it was the only way for travellers to get to Laurenço Marques on the Mozambique coast.

Lots of people died of malaria, the Tsetses, the lions, the tribal wars. But can you really put a price tag on a beach vacation???

While some of the more ambags-oriented ladies were fixing something about something that was not doing the thing that that something should be doing, I calculated that we were travelling further and further AWAY from Lydenburg!

I jumped into my hoofmeisie facade and lead all the fierce femmes down another precarious path back to Sabie.

There were one or two more dubious direction changes, until we finally reached Sabie at 15:00.

From here it was a short 5-hour hop and a skip home… in the cold… in the dark! Let’s not do that again…

But… we know we will; women are forgiving like that!

Hear me as a woman

Have me as your sister

On purpled battlefield breaking day

So, I might say our victory is just beginning

See me as change

Say I am movement

That I am the year

and I am the era

of the women

*Amanda Gorman*


Just say ‘NO’! No balls! No fear! No stopping us now! An all-girls adventure weekend, exploring the valleys of Mpumalanga. A feminomenon!

Video produced by Jolandi Mentz (10 June 2022)


You know riding motorcycles costs money but being a woman-rider – it costs even more! We must spend extra on nail polish remover… We need at least three different styled jackets… And a helmet’s colour should complement our moods. We change oil more than we change our minds. So, keep women on two wheels and support us with a buck or two Lovey. X

If you’re familiar with the rural concept of the honesty bar, this honesty newsletter ain’t much different... I’m a completely un-paid journalist, relying instead on readers using the honour system. You read the newsletter and then leave an amount you see fit for the entertainment you’ve received.

If you don’t find it particularly amusing, then you fork out NO dosh. I won’t stop sending you the letter – it is still mahala to those that count their coins and... I love sharing my stories.

As requested by my overseas readers, you can donate to this newsletter on my PayPal account:


You can do an EFT transfer to the account below.

I ride like a woman – try & keep up!


YouTube: Skinny van Schalkwyk

Instagram: @skinnyvanschalkwyk


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