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Surron - Electric Bike

(24 February 2024)

A test…

A test is something you used to do at school, sitting at the back of the science class, trying to see what the girl with the thick glasses next to you was writing, and keeping a look-out on the teacher’s shifty eyes.  You think we tested these electric bikes any differently?!?

Electric bikes are the new LBD, and boy – these Surrons sure are the sexiest little accessories!  But more on their perfect 10’s later.

Yeah, yeah, the talk always turns to the never present Eksdom.

“How would you charge the bike?”

“When would you charge the bike?”

“Where would you charge the bike?”

All valid questions but come on!  We’re Saffers – we make a plan.


Seeing the glass half empty all the time, you’re gonna run out of Jack Daniels too soon!

Just driving into Jo’burg with all the traffic lights out, and the makeshift Doubtsurance points-men trying to see if they can make up for lost time playing Donkey Kong when they were teenagers, directing traffic, should have you dreaming.


Dreaming about zipping past snail paced million-dollar cars on a lektriek bike.  Oh shaait – it’s my turn!

Knowing about the torque, the suspension, the braking power…  Blah!  When has knowing that you need to lose weight ever helped you to lose weight?  We needed to know the real stuff.  The stuff that makes life worth living.

We learned that these electric bikes in general could do a distance of about 80km on a single charge.  And we calculated that the Tank Girls might possibly do 40 shots between the two of us, meaning one of us would have to shoot every 2kms.  Who would fall first???


Challenge accepted!

Indemnity… against all those righteous goody2shoe motorcyclists


The two of us have in the past achieved a level of stupidity that not even a Hlophean minister of justice had ever attained.  But drinking and driving has passed the time of being an accomplishment.  Look, look closely and you will see that the empty bottle of José was filled with a well-known brand of apple juice.  Not that drinking copious amounts of vuck-toes… furctose… sugar has an entirely different effect on young ladies with ADHD…

We convinced Kevin and Bridget that we should take the Surrons out into the buzzing Saturday morning Jo’ies traffic.  Not much convincing was needed, but a caution was conveyed:  the bikes were not yet registered for legal road usage and the cops could be a problem.  They frowned as we started laughing when they mentioned cops.


“Cops could be a problem” - said no Tank Girl ever!

These might also be mistaken for electric bicycles.  If people don’t know the difference between a KTM950 and a BuellXB9, how would they ever know the difference here?  Yes, they are battery operated, but they don’t actually vibrate!

Pre-flight inspections comprised of checking the battery bar.  Full – max – 100%!

So, we pulled off.  Nope, not like that.  Not like a petrol engine bike.  LIKE A ROCKET!


Power is immediate and overwhelming.  We were flying through traffic.

Jozi Gin was the first stop and our wheels barely stopped spinning when Matteo came over to ask if he could join our biker gang.  He just got his very first bike, a BMW310 and we looked like we were having fun.  So we were!!!



Two shots and the power hadn’t dropped below 100% yet.

We took shortcuts through the veld.


Up to four shots at Social on Main.  Nice guys opened the bar and quickly set all the tables so that it looked like they were open.  Come in – come in, they said!

Koek sny-ed around the corners.


A quick drag race with the local delivery bikes.  Beauty first declined the offer, boasting that she would feel too badly for leaving us in the dust.  A round of shots was handed out, followed by affronted faces; for that tequila tasted all too much like Liqui-Fruit.  Sorry, né!

Jumped the parking lot speedbumps like a caped frog.


Only up to eight shots at the bar that we are not allowed to name, but goes something along the lines of Mock, Cock & Dear.  Make that 12 shots…

Pretended to pedal past the SAPS road block.

Unlike regular bicycles, you don’t have to pedal these, which frees your feet up for an assortment of other enterprising activiies!



17th and 18th shots on the couch (there was also a brown beer or two in the mix).

Zebra crossings, sidewalks, middlemen, traffic circles (round, round, one more round, last one, very last one, whoop) – nothing is off-limits.


And we’re up to 22 shots, slukking them whole.

Bicycle lanes face the oncoming traffic, right?  Nope?!?  Hop, skip, onto the sidewalk then.


Heading back to point A, having a quick one at the mielie road stall = 24.

Pulling off from the traffic light, you’ll be waaay ahead of the tjorre – even though it will be with one wheel in the air.

A quick greeting at the mother power station, shot number 25 and 26.

Back at Jozi X (where you can rent one of these bikes to ride), we had a spin on the MX bicycle track.  These bikes don’t have engine braking, and if you forget the brakes are both on the handlebars, your day will be short.

Someone must have zapped Chikita with a power cord, as she just kept going fasterfasterfaster.  Until the bleed became!  The bike went downhill, she went into the berm.  The berm won.


Teetering on a solid 30!

The day came to a white-knuckle end and even though we still had to stop at Mulligans on our way home, we had to announce the unequivocal winner…

Tank Girls only had 30 shots vs. Surron still on 72% power!!!

Pull a plug – go ride a Surron!

As we sat at the clubhouse ruminating about all the voltage that pulsed under our asses all day, a guy walked up to our table with a big crate.  He opened the lid to reveal a well-stocked…


Emergency medical kit!


And with these words, he summed up our day out on electric bikes to the T:


“Please ma’am, could you clean up the blood – you are scaring the kids!!!”

Surron Light BEE X

(R92 750-00)

Mode: Eco and Sports (never use the Eco – you ninny)

Output: 5KW (that’s almost 7 horses’ power – and they be those big horses)

Torque: 250Nm (meaning, if you twist it, it’ll fly)

Battery: Panasonic Lithium ion battery pack (this is what you are paying for – the bike is thrown in as a freebee)

Weight: 47kg (less than what you weighed in the army)

Brakes: 4 Piston hydraulic disc brakes front and rear (and they are both right – and left – at your fingertips)

Tires: CST (China’s Sexiest Tire)

Climbing Ability: 45° (and unlike a petrol, you just twist, and the power is there - no need to drop a gear)

Range: 90km (of silent but violent fun) per charge

Top Speed: 70 kph + (we got the +)

Fast Re-charge: About 3hrs (depending on load shedding)


People are usually shocked when they find out we’re not very good electricians.  So were we, when we learned that water crossings would be ‘totally safe’.


It was time to test an electric motorcycle. So, we got hold of Kevin and Bridget from SurronSA.  We tested who would run out of 'steam' first.  The bike's batteries OR our livers?  SHOTS UP!  The tequila came flying, but too slow for a Surron pull-off.  Guess who won?

Video produced by Jolandi Mentz (24 Feb 2024)


Sponsored by Daniel Mulder Distributors (DMD)

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If Chikita would take pain medicine, we would need money.  But she does not – we still need money!

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Sshhh, today we ride in silence!

Skinny & Chikita

Instagram: @skinnyvanschalkwyk


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