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Bike Gear Test

...just in time for Christmas!

(1 December 2022)

It’s the season to be jolly!


There’s a last minute rush to buy presents, but what…oh, what??? There’s only 3XL size knitted pull-overs in stock and none of them have reindeer on. They’ve run out of rope for the soap. And the only mugs left are branded World’s Best Dad and unless your name is Luke… that ain’t flying.

You can buy all your friends a jerrycan of 95. But you don’t want to overspend on presents when you know you’re probably just gonna get that pull-over under the tree.

The Tank Girls have made a short-list of items that will be on any respectable biker’s Xmas wish list. We’ve also taken the trouble of testing the sturdiness of all these stuffs.

If you want all the technical niceties; like the super kryptonite material it’s made of, or how much punch those CEE protectors can stand; take a walk to their websites and keep yourself busy while sipping on a keg of eggnog.

Our tests give you the information you never asked for, cause the results ain’t the things that keeps skin on. Skin is só overrated…

GIVI T516 Mini ‘Bar’ Bag

This handy little bag fastens to your handlebars with two double D-ring straps and a Velcro strip on the back. It’s got reflective printing on the front so that you can easily find the bag during load shedding.

What a handy little pouch to keep your mini-bar within easy reach. But… just how many shot bottles can fit in it???

Enough for you to renew your AA membership – it’s a perfect 10!

*Jack Daniels not included*

ANSWER Syncron Merge Pants

We were told that these pants were the brown stuff. Wearing these would make you fly faster than Superman, make you look better in bearded stubble than George Clooney, and give you a tighter ass than the tight-ass people of Buttopia.

These pants are a total pussy magnet… and the testing commenced.

How many mousers can fit into these trousers?

Lots of scratching, hissing, blood, spit and evil eyes later and we can confirm that there’s a double dose of super in these slacks.

OXFORD Kickback 2.0 shirt

Now available in clergyman black!

Forces within this shirt will protect you from all the evil tar-devils. These spirits lurk behind u-turners, robot-skippers, and nearsighted lane-changers spreading fear amongst the righteous riders.

Kickback and relax while you ride through the valley of the shadow of the N1 highway.

This shirt’s got your back!

OXFORD Aqua T-50 Roll Bag

Now gaan ons braai!

In South Africa we braai. We braai on a Saturday, cause we’ve braaied every other day already. We braai when we support the wrong team, cause the right team was wearing blue. We braai when we have friends, we also braai when we don’t have friends. We braai on wood, cause the hi-pitched screaming from your neighbours when you chop down their trees ring nicely with your Ryperd CD playing on repeat.

50L - chuck in a loin, flank it with a brisket, round it off with a rump, stick in a drum, spare some space for a rib, and there’s still a quarter left for chops.

Don’t forget the Blitz!

But if there’s no time to get to the butcher…

OXFORD Cam Straps / GIVI Trekker Straps

150kg ‘working’ load capacity… But what if I’m on holiday???

*This product is NOT intended for lifting or securing vehicles*

Challenge accepted!

The force of a 110cc Kawasaki diminishes considerably when applied on gravel roads. Though the fun starts when your roost hits your opponent on the back of the head.

Skinny and Chikita are planning on entering the 2023 Motorcycle towing Olympics. It is a prestigious event held every 28 years showcasing the skills of motorcyclists that don’t know how to swing a spanner.

To fund our trip, we’ll be selling raffle tickets on the corner near Spar in Mooinooi.

OXFORD Mondial Jacket & Pants

Fall I’m gonna fall. Break I’m gonna break. Scrape I’m gonna scrape…

…but damned if I get wet!

Boasting dry2dry membranes - but will this cocky attitude stand up against a Highveld thunderstorm? Station commander Chikita grabbed a firehose and opened full taps. She sprayed every crook and nanny. Department Water and Sanitation phoned to complain about the drop in pressure. The Hartbeespoort dam administration sent a letter of complaint. Down in town, they started sandbagging the NG kerk.

Not a wet spot!

Those very same arrogant Oxxies also rubbed our noses in their so called WarmDry technology.

Being locked up for hours in a mortuary freezer, would save time and effort if this product did not stand up to the test.

Maybe next time they can lock me up with a bag of potpourri strapped under my nose…

My flesh was still squishy, my cheeks still had a slight gloss, and no frostbite was detected in any oksels. Just on a side note… this test was not undertaken voluntarily, but Chikita is stronger and she gives a mean donkey bite!

GIVI Gravel-T Hydration Rucksack

I don’t drink any more… I also don’t drink any less.

This is a full 2L of moisture carried on your back. We always top ours up with a bit of disinfectant (aka Jack Daniels whisky, easily accessible in your recently acquired GIVI bar bag). Not only does it keep the water sanitized, but you can use it as an antiseptic on wounds, you can clean your travel cutlery, and you can get the party started. Getting a party started is not always as easy as girls in skimpy clothing makes it look… Years of experience and countless dancing on bar counters, I can attest that it includes copious amounts of alcoholic spirits. 2L should cut it?

Off to the local pub, The Real Bosveld Pub & Grill, to tempt the locals in a down-down competition.

And… GO!

Suck, suck suck, Leon tips it first. Suck, suck, suck, Johan short on his heels. Suck, suck, suck and one by one the bottles drop. Suck, suck, suck…

8 Minutes and 52 seconds later!!!

PaintABike by Phil Privett

What magic wand do you wave to make an old rust bucket sparkle and gleam again?

It’s a wand held by the wizard called Phil Privett.

A dented and bruised Bubblegum was dropped in his lap. With care and precision, Phil pinged out every pong, rubbed out every rash, and sprayed over every scrape.

Kul jou hier en kul jou daar!

Kawasaki KHO110 GTO Luxurious Sports

Chikita burst into a ballet. These two flowing figures gracefully moved from a relever, elancer, sauter and ended in a glorious tourner.

Dion Korkie Leather

A seat could just be a place to rest, but Dion transforms it into a throne. What is a spring but just a coil? A seam but just a string? Sponges but just a basal organism full of pores and channels. Dion knows how to mix these elements up and create a perfect pew.

AntiPants - AntiPoaching

How’s those onnas looking?

22 January 2023!

Every year we take a ride through the street of Pretoria without pants. We collect money to support – for this year only – the long-necked horses, called GIRAFFES! Our chosen charity this year is the GCF (Giraffe Conservation Foundation).

Every year we upset the motorists, old tannies, and people less fortunate. Maybe this year we should try and give those undies a wash first?

Keep an eye on our social media for more details.


Sponsored by Daniel Mulder Distributors (DMD)

Answer Racing (

Oxford Products (

The Real Bosveld Pub and Grill (

PaintABike by Phil Privett (

Dion Korkie Leather (


It’s not so much testing the gear. It’s the writing pure kak, that you should never believe, but you should always enjoy, that takes up our drinking time, that you should reward…

If you’re familiar with the rural concept of the honesty bar, this honesty newsletter ain’t much different... I’m a completely un-paid journalist, relying instead on readers using the honour system. You read the newsletter and then leave an amount you see fit for the entertainment you’ve received.

If you don’t find it particularly amusing, then you fork out NO dosh. I won’t stop sending you the letter – it is still mahala to those that count their coins and... I love sharing my stories.

As requested by my overseas readers, you can donate to this newsletter on my PayPal account:


You can do an EFT transfer to the account below.

Safety lights are for dudes!

Skinny & Chikita

Instagram: @skinnyvanschalkwyk


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