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TG Newsletter: LOCKDOWN

Tank Girls vs. Lockdown

(Starting 27 March 2020 and feeling like it's never gonna end)

I can give you all the copied texts about the Corona virus, and stats about the numbers, and even pictures about the consequences; but I won’t… Check your social media platforms for all the info you want or don’t want to believe.

South Africa is in a lockdown, same as much of the rest of this planet. It is the biggest coherent event of ‘NOT holding hands’ that we’ve ever seen. We all justly accepted our loss of freedom and shut our front doors to the evil outside.

*BIG FLIPPEN NOTE: No rules were broken during the making of this newsletter. Ok… maybe the 5-second rule, but none other!*

We have a slight advantage of living on a farm, on a mountain, surrounded by SPACE! Sorry – not sorry!


Such a futile, pointless word. Pre-if indicates regret; post-if implies uncertainty.

Today we live in a time with no firm future. No one can answer the pressing question of ‘What if?’ The future is hazy and no matter what you plan, it can and probably will change in the blink of an eye.

What if I lose my job?

What if I don’t wear my mask?

What if my kids don’t finish school?

What if I get sick?

What if there is no food?

What if my tequila don’t last???

These are the major if’s that we don’t have much control over. We can blame it on people, on institutions, and on politics. But most of the time it’s just misses-life changing her mind.

What we do have control over is the small if’s. The if’s of right now, the if’s concerning only you, the if’s with immediate results. To achieve great things you will need two things; determination, and not quite enough time. To achieve the lesser things you will only need one thing; right now.

What if I jump? What if I run? What if I let go?

But what if I fail? Well… then you’ll get up and know better next time. You’ll also understand the next person’s fear. You’ll learn and be able to teach.

And even if you could live to a 100, it wouldn’t be enough time. We all have the same 24/7. What we do with our time, becomes our priority. Avoid priorities.

If someone said to me: ‘If the world ended tomorrow, what would you do?’

I wouldn’t take much time to reply.


If I was swimming, I would see how long I could hold my breath

Bikes have an irritating tendency to be allergic to water. A decent bubble bath and they don’t want to start. It’s a rare moment for a bike in this family to be on the wet side of a hosepipe.

When opportunity knocks…


If I felt drowsy, I would sleep

A camp-out in the back yard has its perks. A mom that drops in with a cuppa tea and rounds it up with rusks.

A risk is to do something all the while knowing something unpleasant or dangerous could happen. A rusk is the same action, but with more certainty of the end result.


If I did something I’ve never done before, I would be damn proud

Too many chemicals, not enough knowledge, no licenses, and billows of smoke.

Up… up… and away!!!


If I was stuck, I would stop struggling and enjoy not going anywhere

What are tyres for if they can’t roll over undiscovered twee-spoor roads? They might expire… let’s not waste them!


If there were donuts on the table, I would have another bite

Making our own crop-circles, with a circle, inside another circle, on top of a big circle.


If I was scared, I would force my heart and nerve and sinew to try one more time

The driveway is short, the dogs are unpredictable, and the hospitals are closed. Roll the wheels, open the throttle, pop the clutch, AND don’t moer over!

What’s the worst that can happen???


If I had a monkey on my back, I would give it a peanut

We’ve seen it on a photo. It can’t be that difficult…

When your lungs need to gasp, to laugh, to scream and then they just give up trying.


If I was trying to fly, I would dust off my cape

“The bump is not that big, so hit it with speed!”

“But where do I land?”

“On the other side…!?!”


If I was making toast, I would stick my knife in to see what happens… only once

Our skills course included avoiding kitchen appliances on the highway. You never know when a kettle might run out in front of you.


If I was swinging, I would kick my legs up higher

A few strategically placed tie-downs, a roof that might collapse, and a back wheel just touching down. We really don’t ever think these things through…

The floor is lava!


If I was busy, I might ignore you and finish what I was doing

Doing some plumbing today. Do we have a dress code?


If I scraped my knee, I would cry till the tears were not no more

It’s not like we have more than 6 gears! Or traction. Or knee protection.


If I was waiting, I wouldn’t get tired of waiting

The aim is to get to the finish point last… if you can keep in a straight line.

Drone – you only had one job!


If I didn’t, I wouldn’t start. If I started, I wouldn’t stop

Le Mans start, Olympic style. Into corner one round the tree; Chikita is in the lead. Through the gate; Skinny catches up. Down the hill spinning past the castle; it is neck in neck.

Chikita tries a fowl move bumping her competitor but loses a few seconds in the fray. Up past the thorn tree; Skinny veers off course and Chikita takes the gap. Past screaming supporters – yes, that is an old onderbroek being waved! We picked up speed…

They scramble round the last apex and Chikita blinds Skinny with a full roost. The win goes to… CHIKITA!


If I was going somewhere, I would take the long way there

Breaking the monotony, putting on a helmet, hearing the spark of a plug. Small if’s – small if’s!

The dogs enjoyed it, though they couldn’t quite fathom why we were not going anywhere.


If I was reading, I would skip a few pages

No walls, no windows, no dishes to wash. A blanket, the shade of a tree, and bird-poop on your shoulder.

Nobody knows where to look when eating a banana.

…but knows exactly where NOT to look when planning on stealing a bite!


If I saw something crawl, slither or gallop, I would smile

The small things living under your couch, in your ceiling or behind the cup you never use. They are there as much as you are.

Nope – not me!

When the cows come home… after a wild night on the town.


If I was walking, I would walk at a slower pace. If I was running, I would run faster

No gym? No problem!


If I was listening to music, I would sing along, out of tune, making up my own words

Moistening our vocal cords!

Each bike has its unique sound. Bubblegum (Kawasaki KH110) is a classic two-stroke soprano. Dapple (Suzuki BX120) has a more aged mezzo-soprano. Billy-Bob (Yamaha R6) has a deep baritone. Brom (Suzuki DR) with standard pipes has a soft bass. Gallop (Suzuki DR) with aftermarkets has a baritone but intermittent with a snap of alto.




If I was angry, I would throw a punch - even if it was just in the air

Hold the spatula between your index finger and thumb. Play from the wrist. Pick a beat. Travel around the drums. And spank that plastic!

Maybe go easy on the tanks…


If I was dreaming, I would dream of the sky

Pantoffels – CHECK

Pajamas – CHECK

Horlicks – CHECK

When you feel something cold slither inside your slippers, remember to put your feet down when you stop…



If I was watching the last sunset, I would look straight into the heart of that burning orb

Earths way of ending a sad story on a good note.


If I was afraid of the dark, I would light a candle

If I existed, as I do now, then I wouldn’t think about not existing

If I didn’t exist, then the question wouldn’t bother me

What else could I do? Even if I was braver, or stronger, or niftier, the world would still end…


If life gives you lemons… add 1kg sugar, 10ml yeast and cream of tartar! Have a look at how we spent our lockdown. No lemons were wasted!


If you liked our lockdown adventures… you can drop us a penny. But dropping us a reply will work just as well!

If you're familiar with the rural concept of the honesty bar, this honesty newsletter ain't much different... I'm a completely un-paid journalist, relying instead on readers using the honour system. You read the newsletter and then leave an amount you see fit for the entertainment you've received.

If you don't find it particularly amusing, then you fork out NO dosh. I won't stop sending you the letter – it is still mahala to those that count their coins and... I love sharing my stories.

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Wash ya hands!!!

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