TG Newsletter: SPAARWATER PAN


Spaarwater Panewales

(20 July 2019)

First the temperature drops, then the tequila price drops! But boy, when that 2-stroke BEAT drops…!

We picked the coldest day of Winter 2019 to upload, unload, reload (and much later, offload) three perfectly ride-able bikes. Pleased at last with the way our precious cargo was piled into the carriage, we made our way to Makro for the tequila supply to end World Thirst, and a sit-down breakfast in a quaint little coffee shop, bulging with spandex and shaved legs.

It was already 11AM but still only 4°C and we were about an hour away from…

*sports announcer voice on*

– The Wiiild, The Windyyy –

Spaarwater Pan!

A reasonably smooth dirt surface at the dodgy end of the universe of just about enough square meterage to practice turning loosely left with a motorbike.

We decided to cram in a quick prep sesh on the flatlands so when that StofSkop flag drops, we’ll be ready to run what we brung.

(StofSkop flat track event taking place on 7 September 2019 at Randfontein Oval)

https://www.facebook.com/events/2383719541902735/

Humour us. Play along. Never assume that we know what the hell we’re doing. But be damn sure we’re gonna look good doing it because the entire drive over was devoted to conceptualising the Make-Up and Outfits!

Next order of business: Is Dapple running?

Yes | No | Maybe

Skinny and Chikita will be sharing him, well, more likely fighting each other for T-I-T-S (time in the saddle). So apart from the customaNy oil drops there will also be elbow drops, and other Gorgeous Wrestling Moves* to entertain ourselves and bamboozle the competition between race sessions.

*These moves will be rehearsed over the course of another weekend, yet to be determined, as we speak…

This is your current wrestling skill. THIS is where it will be after one weekend of intense YouTube wrestling video watching. Gotit?

Our hearts are in the right place, but we lack true mechanical aptitude. And what we know about wrestling we’re still learning. From a TV show… But don’t despair; our hideous plot will unfold in due course, i.e. at the racecourse.

Nothing like a planned full day (okay… afternoon only) of riding where you get to spend the first hour on maintenance and getting the bike to start. We fueled him up and righty-tightied all the things while simultaneously fine-tuning our race-faces.

Dapple (Suzuki BX120 SuperStar), in case you didn’t know, was the premier champion at the inaugural StofSkop event in 2016 and his master still rides those laurels to this very day. But with a little diet and exercise, this just might be the year he regains the reigns!

When he finally roared-is-not-the-right-word to life, we each performed a suitable happy dance, and did our respective rotations around and round a fantastic fictional circuit.

There were little circles, big circles, golden circles and some prayer circles, making twirlie tornadoes out of common dust, in which we trust.

“Not failure, but low aim, is the crime. In great attempts it is glorious even to fail”

– Bruce Lee –

We even formed one big circle with our combined total of eight cameras, aka OctoVision™ in a hopeful effort to capture the 360° Matrix bullet time effect for our video. The calamari ring of shots fired; a short period of awkward silence ensued; malfunctioning footage revealed simply that we were in actual fact not in the Matrix.

Yet, we were in full orbit, sideswiping things left and … mostly left, and scrutineering the tensile strength of our riding jeans’ poepgaatjies.

A formidable tag team of two stupid-brave Tank Girls. These McCoys are UNREAL! And unwashed. And great! Splashing some much needed colour all over the drab winter landscapes with our dirty halos and exclusive “inner circle” V-formation hoodies.

We had 30kph winds to contend with which was no good for bladder-draining trou drops or spontaneous braai fires, but great at making our ponytails stand up straight and stick out to the side! 30kph is half of Dapple’s entire repertoire!

Race horses are traditionally temperamental and need their rest so we gave the two workhorses a swirl in the dirt (1 time Husky 701 and 1 time Suzuki DR650). Drastic drops in lap-times!

Chikita smothered the ThinOne with a thoroughly evil dust hug and all she have to show for it was this lousy dry shampoo look from a powder coated selfie…

A mischievous mob of mealie-munching minors migrated right through our playground. They brought the crops and we produced the circles. Thing about donuts: once they don’t flop, you just can’t stop!

Moments later we cracked open a cold one and savoured some sausage rolls, cowering in the car like upper middle-class snowflakes. Eye drops for those contact lenses… The whistling wind was whipping beer clean out of the bottles and our blown-away conversation rivalled a mashup of Funniest Misheard Lip Reading Lyrics.

♪ ♫ “ol’ bye mice elf, took Heather with Hugh” ♫ ♪

It’s common knowledge that pretty much all races are fixed anyway, which is why we’re probably just gonna end up winging it. But hey – any excuse to escape the indoors and raise some dust, am I right?! We threw all caution to that wind and haven’t seen it since!

Bliss. Out here in the sticks. This little sand-sprinkled micro-environment, devoid of telesales, billboards and reasonable facsimiles of reasonable facsimiles. Why can’t everything be so simple?

Childish ecstasy in the sandpit – luckily we had our flu shots and flea drops!

When the cows came home, we tried to recruit the white one but she was only medium, and not very rare yet.

The sun had a long-suspended travel back to the horizon and our shadows slowly started so spread all the way out to the vanishing point. The day seemed endless. We accomplished nothing but learned a so much! Salut!

Concentric circles or revolving floors?…

Like a hot potato, Dapple’s clogged up exhaust header dropped out of its socket at exactly two minutes to sunset. By Chikita’s standards, this was comparatively late in the game for a bike to lose its exhaust. Trust me, she’s had extensive first-hand experience. With numerous makes and models…

Oh well, since we’re here – photoshoot? Poser Mode ENGAGE!

Skinny was quietly nursing a tickly tingle in her left nostril and getting a macro shot of Dapple all cute and upside-down caught inside a snot drop had been on our minds all day… The light was long gone, but here was an opportunity to bring that dream to fruition.

“A runny nose can be a side effect of crying, exposure to cold temperatures, cocaine abuse or withdrawal”

– Wiki –

It was chucking filly, so we’re going along with the second side effect. There was no abuse of powder apart from all the lines we left behind on the mirror flat surface…

The determination, balance and presence of mind required to culminate this newsletter in what it is here today will blow your mind:

1) Do not make any sudden moves, DO NOT REVERSE!

2) Get Chikita to stop laughing with her whole body and take the damn photo already!

3) Behold! A fully matured snot drop to rule all snot drops!

Staggering coordination of biology and technology. A terrific feat, a terrible feat.

When that last battery finally died, we loaded the ponies, packed our bags, leftover sausage rolls and eleven and a half bottles of cheap tequila and hit the long road outta there…

The next planet awaits! I wonder what the gravity will be like.

The word “drop” appears fourteen times (well now, 15)

CHIKITA PRODUCTIONS:

Skinny and Chikita spent the day at Spaarwater pan in Nigel. It was time to stretch Dapple's legs (the Suzuki BX120 SuperStar) and to get our buts ready / bruised for the annual StofSkop Flat Track race. In dust we trust!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbuNI9JgxKg

HONESTY NEWSLETTER!

If you read all the way down to this paragraph, you will know that the leftover vleispasteitjies have now grown mould that could sustain a pharmacy of penicillin for at least 4 months. Any donation toward fresh snacks would be MUCH appreciated!

If you're familiar with the rural concept of the honesty bar, this honesty newsletter ain't much different... I'm a completely un-paid journalist, relying instead on readers using the honour system. You read the newsletter and then leave an amount you see fit for the entertainment you've received.

If you don't find it particularly amusing, then you fork out NO dosh. I won't stop sending you the letter – it is still mahala to those that count their coins and... I love sharing my stories.

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OR...

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Rough toilet paper!!!

Skinny

www.tankgirls.co.za

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