The Skin(ny)less Newsletter
(2 February 2020)
They say it’s better without the Skin(ny). Healthier. Cleaner. We tested it out in this newsletter. This is how it all started:
Chikita(C): How’s it?
The Hollander (H): Good, and you?
(Dots meaning lots of non-important conversation)
C: So, Skinny is pretty cool, isn’t she?
H: Yes, she is! We’re lucky to have her as a friend!
C: True! But she is lucky to have us as friends too.
H: I agree. I don’t think she realizes how lucky she is with us.
C: Yeah. She’s not always grateful to have us.
H: I know! She’s kind of selfish on that actually! We’re pretty cool!
C: We are actually cooler than she is. WAY cooler!
H: Yes we are! I don’t think she realizes we are the actual stars of Tank Girls. She thinks it’s all about her. Well, she is wrong!
C: I think we have to show her who we are and that we don’t need her! Let’s do our own Tank Girls Adventure and leave her out of it!
H: YEAH!!! Real cool chicks on bikes! Not that fake one! Let’s go NOW!!!
C: One little problem: My bike is in for repairs.
H: Sh!t. And mine died a couple of months back. Are we now bikeless?
C: I know she has 2 DR’s just standing at her house collecting dust. Let’s just take those!
H: I like it! But how can we make sure she is not tagging along? We don’t want her to spoil all the fun and make it extremely uncool again, like she always does.
C: Let’s do it during month-end, because she works 23 hours out of the 24 at that time, so she can’t join us.
H: Brilliant! LET’S DO IT! Let’s make cool Skin(ny)less Tank Girls adventures!!!
Zo gezegd, zo gedaan! Our Skin(ny)less trip was ready to go. With promises it would be the best trip EVA! So, we met at some petrol station and decided on the plan. The first problem came up: ONE wanted to do sand, OTHER wanted to do tar. So, what to do?
Because ONE had a way bigger mouth, it became sand. Which SUCKED. Because sand does not end. It just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes.
Where is that bloody tar?!?
After a lot of scary moments for OTHER (…where is that bloody back-break if I’m not allowed to use the front-break? Why does the back of the bike slide when I use that back-break? Why do my pants feel so full?) and boring moments for ONE (Why are we so slow? How will we be able to do 300kms today with this slow ass chick? Where are the fun roads to play?); we decided to take a break.
With ONE just being happy and pretty, OTHER was still shaky, trying to take a good pic…
Then it started. The road stopped. Apparently, this is normal in sand. So, this meant wiggling our way through scary shit. At least, for OTHER. ONE obviously didn’t give a hoots ass.
ONE just floored it and off she went, ‘Was there even an obstacle of some sort?’
This is not how things went for OTHER. There was a whole process involved:
2. Stern talking to the hands who didn’t want to touch the bike
3. Move bike slowly into position. SLOWLY!
4. Even slower through the sand
5. High five ONE for mental support
6. Thank all the gods and ancestors for survival
But again: Why do my pants feel so full???
And off we went again. To the next adventure!
The next adventure happened to be one of ONE’s favourite places: The stunting spot. Nothing new here for ONE. Nothing she hadn’t done before. Nothing she hasn’t seen before. ONE was just HAPPY. Pure bliss. Joy. Delight. Ecstasy. Euphoria. Heaven. And all the other words the synonym dictionary gave but is too much to mention.
OTHER just survived…
Luckily there was light at the end of her misery:
This was the trick ONE used to lure OTHER into this ‘fun’ sand trip (trap?): There will be boerewors. And OTHER likes wors. A lot. But it needs to be body temperature. So, it had to be warmed up before consumption.
To be honest: That heating up was really a waste of time, effort, matches and everything else that can be a waste. But that sauce…! That was pure perfection. ONE promised the recipe, but never gave it away. OTHER hopes she will reveal all in the next newsletter for the entire world to enjoy.
After the bellies were full, ONE decided to play. And what do you do at a stunt spot? You pop wheelies! That DR finally had to work after hours of just prutprutprutting. Both ONE and DR were in their happy place.
Unfortunately, another challenge for OTHER came up straight away.
Remember the AntiPants rally from last month? Well, at this rally, OTHER had her mind set on getting up that bult going up to the off-ramp. But because there were so many people during the rally, she was too scared to try it at that stage. People would laugh. People would point. People would make fun. So, now today it had to be done. If there would be failure now, only ONE would see it …and ONE’s bloody camera.
But can you believe it: It turned out it was actually really simple! Finally, something OTHER enjoyed (next to the wors)!
But then it happened. Hell came on our path. One decided that it would be fun to go over some horrible mountain, with a canyon right next to it. Like a drop into nothingness. Which by itself is really scary, but with the non-existing road of hell, it’s even worse.
I mean: Does anybody recognise something that resembles a road in this picture? THERE IS NO ROAD! No wonder OTHER let the bike drop.
As ONE is a bit of a camera slut, she records everything. But we mean EVERYTHING. Herewith the monologue OTHER uttered during this ride, which ONE recorded as she put the camera on OTHER’s bike:
‘Fokkit sy maak my bang. FFS. Shit man. Ek kak myself heel die tyd. En dan moet ek maar maak of ek alright is. En sy maak alsof dit niks is. Dis kak scary. Kyk, sy is alweer fokking weg. Shit man. Fok it. Fok it. Fok it. Hier is ‘n bult en snaakse goed. Oh Fok it. Fok haar. Wat ‘n kak plan. Ek kon oppie bank gelê het voor die TV. Fok. Ek gaan heel die nag nie slaap nie. Heel die nag nie.’
En dit gaan aan en aan en aan en aan. You don’t believe us? Ask Skinny to share the video. It is an R-rated video due to language though. (ED: …as if the newsletter up to this point has not been!)
And these are the images that go with it:
Did I mention there was a drop next to the road?
But why do my pants feel so full???
Luckily this hell-road eventually let to tar. Sweet old tar. And look how pretty the bikes look! And how happy they are!
Unfortunately, after a visit to the bathroom, the answer was given to the much asked question, ‘Why do my pants feel so full???’
There was an apparent problem.
So, we took a break. To eat up, drink up, and clean up.
And then it happened: OTHER got the best compliment she has ever received!
“You’ve got really nice boobs.”
Man, nobody had said that ever before. OTHER didn’t even know what to say. Best day eva!!!
But luckily, there was ONE to spoil the fun. Yet again.
“He said BOOTS - not boobs.”
Which made so much more sense, as my boots are way better than my boobs.
And then we had beers…
Did you noticed that we never stood too close to one another during the entire trip? There were reasons. In Afrikaans they are known as omlope, because if someone has these – you ‘loop om’ them:
This made the poop-pants not look so bad after all!
After the beers, we were fed up. At least OTHER was. Stupid sand. Why Africa doesn’t put down tar everywhere is a mystery. Sand sucks. Stupid sand. Simple sand. Senseless sand. Screwy sand.
As ONE wasn’t done playing, she decided to jump the lowest of speed-bumps available in Gauteng. We were looking for a good speed-bump, but why you can never find what you are looking for, is the mystery of the day.
Imagine how she would fly when there is a proper bump in the road!
And that was it. Our Skin(ny)less adventure. We both loved it, even though it was for different reasons:
ONE: “I never ride these places with Skinny! This was so much fun! We have to do this again and find even more hardcore sand!”
OTHER: “I loved your company without Skinny! This was so much fun! We have to do this again, but we’ll go on the track next time!”
Our conclusion of being Skin(ny)less: It is NOT healthier, it is NOT cleaner, but for the rest - it is way better!
Tank Girls: Chikita & the Hollander decided to hi-jack Skinny's DRs and go for a run around the bushes. The Hollander rides tar, more specifically - TRACK. Dirt is not her forte... as you will hear over the sound bites in this video. Spell it anyway you want to – vok bly fok!
I signed an indemnity before I sent out the Hollander’s letter - and STILL I might get sued! Donate towards my possible lawyers’ fees, en thus ensure I do not get locked up for life.
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